Infertility: What Does This Have to Do with You?

Most women will never experience infertility personally. However, I’m sure that all of you have known someone who has experienced it. Maybe you wonder what to say to them or if it’s ok to ask questions? What about announcing your own pregnancy or bringing your own children to visits and lunches? How should you act around someone going through infertility?


Every woman who experiences infertility is different so I can only speak for myself. If I could give those around me four bits of advice concerning how to be sensitive to my situation it would be these:

1} Don’t give advice, especially if you’ve never experienced infertility yourself. David and I told very few people about our situation while we were experiencing it. This was mostly because I couldn’t handle all the advice thrown my way when people did find out what we were going through. I know everything said was said with love and was meant in the best way and I tried to take it as such but getting advice (i.e. take an ovulation test, make sure the timing is right, “maybe you’re doing it wrong”) just made me feel like those around me were implying it was my fault that I wasn’t pregnant.

2} Don’t ignore infertility. I was grateful when those who knew what we were going through asked us questions about it instead of trying to steer clear of the topic. When they asked questions I felt like they cared and really wanted to know how I was doing.

3} Getting pregnant doesn’t mean your struggles with infertility are over. While David and I now have a slightly higher chance of conceiving on our own, we still have to realistically face that it may not happen. We have to plan for insurance in case we need to do IVF again meaning I probably have to go back to work after I have this baby. We have to decide how long to try naturally before we try IVF again and we have to realize that our dreams of a large family are probably not going to happen. I am so grateful for the one the Lord has given us, but I still cried when I recognized that getting pregnant didn’t mean this was over.

4} Love your children. In our society it seems like it has become common place, or even expected, for mothers and fathers to talk about how horrible their child is or how bad parenting can be. How many times was I told by parents, “Well, you can have my kids if you want them.” I know parenting is hard and I’m sure sometimes I’ll fall into the pattern of bemoaning being up all night or not showering for days but I really hope that the majority of the time when I talk about my child I mention the good things and not the bad.