Lessons Learned While Trying to Have a Baby: Clomid Cycle #2

{Infertility hurts}

“Woe is me for my hurt! My wound is grievous: but I said, Truly this is a grief, and I must bear it (Jeremiah 10:19).”

The distance between thinking you are pregnant and learning you are not is a long drop and was difficult to accept. My frustration was compounded by the fact that we had to wait a month before trying another clomid cycle. At first, I felt unproductive and restless because we weren’t actively moving forward with our fertility treatments. However, after about a week I began to feel relief: relief at not having a doctor’s appointment every week for the first time in months; relief at not being on medication and feeling like myself; relief to focus on me for a little while without feeling guilty.

When our second clomid cycle began both David and I felt refreshed and ready to make this one work.

Unfortunately, our results weren’t good. I had only one viable egg this time and it was on the small side. Additionally, my ovulation results showed that I had ovulated less than I normally did without medication. As stated before, my ovulation numbers aren’t good to begin with so to find out my numbers were lower while using ovulation medication was heartbreaking.

Our doctor’s put me on progesterone to see if that would help stimulate my body to accept a pregnancy but when the test came back two weeks later it was negative.

This moment was my breaking point. I completely broke down. Up until now I had tried to remain positive. I had tried not to fall into the category of feeling like I was broken. But at that moment, seeing my body literally fail me and not do what it was supposed to do, I did feel broken and I hated myself for it.

Even more so, I hated what I couldn’t give David. He wanted a baby more than anything and I couldn’t give that to him because I didn’t “work.” This realization, that I couldn’t give the person I loved something they wanted so much because I was broken, was one of the most painful things I have ever experienced.