Lessons Learned While Trying to Have a Baby: Overcoming Guilt

{Life doesn’t stop just because you can’t have a baby…and that’s okay}

“Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee (Psalms 55:22).”

The year-mark was the hardest for me. After trying for that long I think the reality set in that we may not be able to have children. I became depressed. I remember learning that one of my friends was pregnant right at this time. We were in Florida visiting David’s father and I went to the guest room and cried. Normally I tried to be happy for others who were blessed with children but at that moment with depression hovering around me I simply hurt.

Along with the pain came guilt. I was surprised by the feeling. I had expected the grief but not the guilt. I felt like David and I shouldn’t be happy or enjoy our childless existence. We shouldn’t stay up late or sleep in on Saturday morning. We shouldn’t use our free time to watch TV or read a book. We shouldn’t leave for a weekend away together because, if we had children, we wouldn’t be able to do these types of things. I felt guilty for living our life without children because all of my friends and family who had children weren’t able to live like that.

Because I reasoned that I shouldn’t enjoy life I didn’t allow myself to do so. My only focus was me and my struggle with infertility. I began to be angry with the Lord and to blame him for our situation. Ironically, it was by blaming the Lord that I was ultimately able to overcome my depression and enjoy my life again.

You see, when I laid the blame for my infertility at the feet of the Lord I realized it wasn’t the Lord’s “fault” that we weren’t pregnant; it was His plan. Our trials don’t happen randomly and they aren’t outside of the Lord’s control. The Lord knew of and was governing our inability to get pregnant. “Who knoweth not in all these that the hand of the Lord hath wrought this? In whose hand is the soul of every living thing, and the breath of all mankind (Job 12:9-10).”

I came to the conclusion that if it wasn’t part of the Lord’s plan for us to have children at that moment, as apparently it wasn’t, that I could still enjoy my current life because the Lord was in control and this was part of his plan even if it wasn’t part of mine.