Lessons Learned While Trying to Have a Baby: Having a Positive Attitude

{Being miserable is a choice and not a foregone conclusion}

“…this is joy which none receiveth save it be the…seeker of happiness (Alma 27:18).”

The stress and pain of infertility definitely put a strain on our marriage. However, looking back I recognize that the tension in our marriage had less to do with infertility and more to do with my attitude towards our infertility. When I was sad I wanted David to be sad too. When I was angry I wanted David to be angry. When I cried I thought David should be crying with me.

While David was supportive and understood that our situation was not ideal he also repeatedly reminded me that everything else in our life was pretty amazing. Things could be worse, he would say, but I didn’t want to listen. I felt that because he wasn’t showing his emotions in the same way I was he wasn’t feeling those emotions at all.

It took me a long time to learn (and if I’m honest with myself, I’m still learning this) that David was experiencing the same sadness I was. He had simply chosen to be happy regardless of our trials.

Because of David’s example and because of personal experiences I had early in my life where I watched happy women become hurt, angry, and critical of others as a result of infertility, I determined that I didn’t want to be this kind of person. Does that mean it was always easy to be happy for others or to not envy what they had? Was it easy when three of my co-workers got pregnant at the same time “on accident”? Was it easy when I heard about teen moms getting pregnant and having no way to support their child? Was it easy when I thought about a friend who had an abortion when I couldn’t conceive on my own? Was it easy when parents would complain about their children acting up in sacrament meeting when I would have given anything for that? No, of course it wasn’t easy and there were days when I cried and felt bad for myself. But I knew I had made a decision to be positive and I tried to stick by that decision as much as possible. After all, would I really want everyone around me to experience infertility too just so I didn’t have to feel so alone or have to see their happiness? Of course not!

In his most recent conference address, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland reminded me of my decision to remain positive, stating, “Brothers and sisters, there are going to be times in our lives when someone else gets an unexpected blessing or receives some special recognition. May I plead with us not to be hurt—and certainly not to feel envious—when good fortune comes to another person. We are not diminished when someone else is added upon (Jeffrey R. Holland, April 2012 General Conference).”

Instead of looking at the one thing I didn’t have I tried to see the positive things I did have in my life: a supportive husband, a home of my own, loving family members, vacations, nieces and nephews, and even the pregnancies of family and friends. Most importantly, I tried to put my trust in the Lord and to have faith that he had a plan for us and everything would work out. “Everything will be okay in the end. If it is not okay it is not the end (Paolo Coelho).”

Lessons Learned While Trying to Have a Baby: Overcoming Guilt

{Life doesn’t stop just because you can’t have a baby…and that’s okay}

“Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee (Psalms 55:22).”

The year-mark was the hardest for me. After trying for that long I think the reality set in that we may not be able to have children. I became depressed. I remember learning that one of my friends was pregnant right at this time. We were in Florida visiting David’s father and I went to the guest room and cried. Normally I tried to be happy for others who were blessed with children but at that moment with depression hovering around me I simply hurt.

Along with the pain came guilt. I was surprised by the feeling. I had expected the grief but not the guilt. I felt like David and I shouldn’t be happy or enjoy our childless existence. We shouldn’t stay up late or sleep in on Saturday morning. We shouldn’t use our free time to watch TV or read a book. We shouldn’t leave for a weekend away together because, if we had children, we wouldn’t be able to do these types of things. I felt guilty for living our life without children because all of my friends and family who had children weren’t able to live like that.

Because I reasoned that I shouldn’t enjoy life I didn’t allow myself to do so. My only focus was me and my struggle with infertility. I began to be angry with the Lord and to blame him for our situation. Ironically, it was by blaming the Lord that I was ultimately able to overcome my depression and enjoy my life again.

You see, when I laid the blame for my infertility at the feet of the Lord I realized it wasn’t the Lord’s “fault” that we weren’t pregnant; it was His plan. Our trials don’t happen randomly and they aren’t outside of the Lord’s control. The Lord knew of and was governing our inability to get pregnant. “Who knoweth not in all these that the hand of the Lord hath wrought this? In whose hand is the soul of every living thing, and the breath of all mankind (Job 12:9-10).”

I came to the conclusion that if it wasn’t part of the Lord’s plan for us to have children at that moment, as apparently it wasn’t, that I could still enjoy my current life because the Lord was in control and this was part of his plan even if it wasn’t part of mine.

Lessons Learned While Trying to Have a Baby: Waiting for the Promised Blessings of Obedience

{Just because the Lord tells you to do something doesn’t mean you’re going to do it right then}

“If I be righteous…I am full of confusion; therefore see thou mine affliction (Job 10:15).”

After David and I had been married for six months we began to discuss starting a family. I still had another semester of graduate school and David had two more years of college until he received his bachelor’s degree. We were living in a one bedroom apartment and were struggling to make ends meet. Growing up I had promised myself that I would never bring a baby into a situation like this. I wanted to have my schooling finished and start a career before having children.

Interestingly, these concerns seemed inconsequential after talking together and praying about having a child. David and I received multiple witnesses that we were meant to start a family and it seemed like the logical next step in our lives. In January 2009 we began to try to have a baby with a feeling of peace knowing this was what the Lord wanted us to do.

As usual, I went into this new step in our lives with a plan according to what I wanted and the timing I thought was best. We would have a baby in the fall of 2009. They would be the oldest in their class when they went to school. I would get a job after graduating and we would be able to move to a larger apartment with room for the baby. My plan seemed perfect and, with the witnesses that we had from the Lord assuring us that starting a family was what we were supposed to do, I was sure we would get pregnant almost immediately.

No one in my family had ever had any real problems getting pregnant. In fact, three of my nieces and nephews had been conceived on birth control. I laugh now remembering that when David and I first got married my mother begged us to get maternity insurance immediately since my family tended to be “extremely fertile.” It NEVER occurred to me to think we would have problems trying to have a baby. That happens to older women, right? Infertility is something that happens to someone else and not to me.

But it ended up that we couldn’t get pregnant. My well-laid plans of how our life would go crumbled with every passing month and every negative pregnancy test. I didn’t understand why the Lord would tell us to have a baby and then not give us one. Hadn’t we been following the Lord’s direction? Hadn’t we done what he had asked of us? Why then was I not pregnant?

It took me years to personally accept that the Lord sometimes gives us direction long before providing us with the promised blessing of our obedience. Note that I use the term “accept.” Acceptance is so much different than understanding. It took me longer to understand why this was happening than to accept that it was happening. I accepted it because I read about others who, having been faithful, still had to wait for the promised blessings.

Moses was given the direction to lead the Israelites to the Promised Land but they wandered in the wilderness for forty years before receiving this blessing and even then Moses didn’t live to see it. Lehi and his family were told to go to the Americas but they still lived in the desert in hardship for many years before obtaining their inheritance. Abraham and Sarah were told they would be the progenitors of nations but they had to wait until their old age before having Isaac. It was examples like these that ultimately helped me accept our situation and later to understand it.

National Infertility Awareness Month

Did you know April is National Infertility Awareness Month? I didn’t either! Now aware of this fact, many may simply remark, “Oh, that’s nice” or “Isn’t it also National Grilled Cheese Month? That’s way more interesting.” Unfortunately, many women don’t have the option to move past infertility to grilled cheese even as much as they might like to. Being one of these women, I feel the need to actively bring awareness to infertility this month in any small way I can. To do this, I decided to share the experiences David and I had while trying to get pregnant.


I record our struggle not because I desire to be the poster child for infertility or to provoke sympathy or pity from anyone who reads this blog. I’m sharing our experience and the lessons we learned for three reasons.

First, while I was going through infertility and treatments I wanted to be able to know what to expect while still keeping my own struggles private. I share my experiences for those women who are having the same questions and concerns that I had but who don’t wish to vocalize them. I hope some of my explanations and thoughts can help you through your own private battles with infertility.

Second, I hope my discussion might educate those who don’t know much about infertility or who have never experienced it themselves. After all, it is Infertility Awareness Month….

Finally and perhaps most importantly, I share these things because our struggle to have a child was ultimately the most spiritual experience we have ever had. It grew our faith, enhanced our testimonies, and provided us with understanding we could not have learned otherwise. I share my thoughts because of the miracles that happened to us along the way.

I hope anyone who reads my posts can come away with something positive just as David and I have.

Family Visit

My sister, Kimber, and her family came to visit us over Easter. I was so excited! I absolutely love it when family comes to visit and we had such a great time!

Because Kimber's husband is a pilot they get free flights when they fly standby. While I love this since it means they can come visit, it sometimes has some unfortunate side-effects, like lost luggage. Fortunately, the airport provides small bags of necessities when a passenger's bag gets lost.

Here is a picture of three cute kids wearing the t-shirts the airport had provided for them since they didn't have any jammies. They loved watching Uncle David play games on his computer.



On Sunday I had the kids go into our yard and cut some flowers for a boquet. Here's Gracelyn with the finished product. I thought it turned out pretty good!

Here's us at Easter dinner. We had quite a few people so we pushed two tables together to make a huge square table. Cameron's mom, Daleen, came as well and brought me some beautiful popcorn ball flowers which reminded me of home since my parent's house has several of these plants that bloom every year. I used them as the centerpiece. They were so beautiful. Thanks, Daleen!

We had an Easter egg hunt in our back yard that actually entertained the kids for quite a while. I was impressed! Good job hiding the eggs, Kimber!

Afterwards the kids compared what they got and ate way too much sugar.

Since the adults...I mean, the kids were pretty exhausted after all the Easter festivities, we ended up decorating eggs the next morning.

Afterwards we went to the Guilford County Courthouse National Park where the kids learned about the Revolutionary War and earned junior ranger badges. Then we had fun bowling. Well, I had fun watching everyone else bowl since I'm a little front-heavy at the moment so I decided not to participate :) Unfortunately, I forgot to bring my camera to all of these escapades so you'll have to use your imagination.

The next day we went to the Greensboro Children's Museum. I had never been there and I was so impressed! We spent three hours there and the kids easily could have spent another two. It was so fun and actually pretty relaxing for the adults since the kids were so entertained.

One area had a stage with lights, sound effects, instruments, and costumes. Sorry these aren't the best pictures but I wanted to include them because the kids were so funny! Brian Dean wanted to wear the Cookie Monster costume but it didn't fit so he just wore it on his arms and his head with the rest dangling. McKenna wore zebra pants, a hat, and vest and played the drums. Meanwhile, Gracelyn was in charge of lights and sound.

There was also a store where you could be the baker, deli manager, cashier, or just a shopper. Gracelyn was great at being the deli manager.

Here's Gracelyn giving McKenna a checkup at the doctor's office.

Apparently, Doctor Gracelyn found that McKenna had broken her leg and needed a boot!

Brian Dean liked the construction zone and looked good in his tool belt (even if we had to tie it twice around his waist to get it to stay on!)

He also got to be a firefighter and drive the fire truck!

Last but not least, here they are shoveling coal to make the train run. This was really cool because the area where you put the coal was motion-sensored so when you put the coal in it would light up like a fire and then dim again when you removed the shovel to get more. Also, the screen you see showing the tracks was a video screen and you could actually make the train appear to be going faster or slower depending on how you drove it. It was pretty cool.Overall we had a wonderful time. Thank you again for coming, Kimber!