Lessons Learned While Trying to Have a Baby: Tender Mercies

{God often grants us the most tender of mercies in the midst of our darkest trials; the difficulty is to notice the light in the darkness.}

“The Lord is good to all: and his tender mercies are over all his works (Psalms 145:9).”

Due to the dismal results of our second clomid cycle as well as some technicalities within our insurance, our doctors decided to move forward with in-vitro fertilization (IVF). (Note: Normally a couple would go through at least three clomid cycles before attempting IVF, usually including an intra-uterine insemination (IUI) during the last clomid cycle. An IUI consists of placing the sperm directly in the fallopian tubes. The difference between IVF and IUI is in IVF both the sperm and ovum are extracted from the body, fertilized, and then put back in the womb as a fertilized egg. With an IUI, there is no fertilization just placement of the sperm.)

It takes several months for your body and your doctors to prepare for IVF. As we waited to begin this process I learned that my grandmother was in the hospital and that she was going to pass away. The family gathered at the hospital and each person had the opportunity to spend a few moments with her before she passed. Unfortunately, being across the country, I was unable to be there. However, as days passed I learned that several members of my family, in their last moments with Grandma Ivins, had told her that her first task in heaven was to get me a baby. Grandma would smile and nod that she understood.

I am so amazed and humbled to be surrounded by such wonderful family members who, in their last moments with their beloved grandma, were thinking of me and my needs.

As you know, our story has a happy ending. As we went through IVF and later found out we were pregnant I have felt my grandmother close at hand and know that she helped give me this baby. Although it is hard to be without her I know the Lord worked through her to bring a new life into this world.

Lessons Learned While Trying to Have a Baby: Feeling Grief

{It’s okay to cry sometimes}

“To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven…a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance… (Ecclesiates 3:1, 4).”

There were moments during our struggle with infertility that I just needed to feel sorry for myself or just needed to cry. When those moments came, I would often watch the below video. I feel that it describes many of the feelings I experienced and it also gives some good statistics concerning infertility.

Lessons Learned While Trying to Have a Baby: Clomid Cycle #2

{Infertility hurts}

“Woe is me for my hurt! My wound is grievous: but I said, Truly this is a grief, and I must bear it (Jeremiah 10:19).”

The distance between thinking you are pregnant and learning you are not is a long drop and was difficult to accept. My frustration was compounded by the fact that we had to wait a month before trying another clomid cycle. At first, I felt unproductive and restless because we weren’t actively moving forward with our fertility treatments. However, after about a week I began to feel relief: relief at not having a doctor’s appointment every week for the first time in months; relief at not being on medication and feeling like myself; relief to focus on me for a little while without feeling guilty.

When our second clomid cycle began both David and I felt refreshed and ready to make this one work.

Unfortunately, our results weren’t good. I had only one viable egg this time and it was on the small side. Additionally, my ovulation results showed that I had ovulated less than I normally did without medication. As stated before, my ovulation numbers aren’t good to begin with so to find out my numbers were lower while using ovulation medication was heartbreaking.

Our doctor’s put me on progesterone to see if that would help stimulate my body to accept a pregnancy but when the test came back two weeks later it was negative.

This moment was my breaking point. I completely broke down. Up until now I had tried to remain positive. I had tried not to fall into the category of feeling like I was broken. But at that moment, seeing my body literally fail me and not do what it was supposed to do, I did feel broken and I hated myself for it.

Even more so, I hated what I couldn’t give David. He wanted a baby more than anything and I couldn’t give that to him because I didn’t “work.” This realization, that I couldn’t give the person I loved something they wanted so much because I was broken, was one of the most painful things I have ever experienced.

Lessons Learned While Trying to Have a Baby: Clomid Cycle #1

After our fertility tests all came back fairly normal, our doctors decided to try us on a cycle of ovulation induction. Ovulation induction consists of taking several medications that cause your ovaries to produce more than one egg. When the eggs are ready, a medication is used to release them within a specific timeframe to help with ovulation and conception. (For more information, I’ve included a description of the medications used during this process at the bottom of this post.)


We were told from the outset that clomid, the primary medication taken during ovulation induction, generally makes you hormonal. When David asked our doctor what to expect, she smiled slyly at him and answered, “We’ll let that be a pleasant surprise.” And, oh, what a pleasant surprise it was!

For me, the medication made it difficult to process questions and to make decisions no matter how small or simple they were. I felt like my brain couldn’t make simple correlations between what was being asked and what the answer to the question was. Additionally, I was angry for no reason and the only way not to lash out at people around me was to be alone. The worst thing about all of these feelings was that I KNEW they were due to the medication and not because of me but I couldn’t do anything about it. I felt out of control.

Unfortunately, my parents ended up being in town the week I began taking clomid. I was so happy to have them here but I felt like a horrible hostess since the meds were making me pretty crazy. One night we headed to Taco Bell and David asked what I wanted to eat. To my medicated mind, his question seemed like a huge task. I felt angry, overwhelmed, and put upon. Additionally, I thought I might hurt the teenage boys goofing off in line in front of us (they are lucky to still be alive today).

All of the side-effects seemed worth it, however, when our doctor told us my body had responded extremely well to the clomid and I had three viable eggs. In fact, my three eggs looked so good our doctor asked us if we wanted to proceed with ovulation since there was a high chance we could have triplets. David and I seriously considered this possibility and prayed about it but, in the end, we knew we needed to proceed with ovulation. If we truly wanted a baby, we had to be grateful for what (or however many) the Lord wanted to give us.

In the days after David gave me the shot of ovidrel to force ovulation I felt pretty horrible. I began getting sick every morning, I was bloated, I began craving random foods, and my appetite changed drastically. In short, I felt like I was pregnant. David and I were sure the medication had worked and we were so happy. For me, that week of thinking we were pregnant was one of the happiest weeks I’d had since starting to try to get pregnant over two years before. It was a relief.

Unfortunately, our pregnancy test came back negative. The ovulation induction hadn’t worked.



Below is a list of the medications used during ovulation induction along with a description of each.

Clomid: Increases egg production within the ovaries. A pill taken once a day for five days.

Tamoxifen: Generally used for cancer patients, tamoxifen helps maintain your uterus lining since a side-effect of clomid is that it thins your lining. (NOTE: Most doctors I’ve heard of only have you take clomid during an ovulation induction. I would recommend asking your doctor if you can pair clomid and tamoxifen if you are thinking of going through this treatment as it strengthens your chances of getting pregnant.) A pill taken once a day for five days.

Follistim: Made from human urine (weird, I know), this shot is only taken to supplement the clomid if your body does not react appropriately to the clomid. I never had to take this.

Ovidrel: Made from Chinese hamster estrogen (I’m completely serious!), this shot forces your body to ovulate. It also makes your ovaries feel like they’re exploding so if you feel that way after taking it, don’t worry, that’s normal!

Ovulation induction is an extremely time sensitive treatment. I’ve included a copy of our instructions below so you can understand how precise and involved you need to be during one of these cycles.

General Ovulation Induction Instructions

• Call the appointment desk when your period begins. You will ask to schedule a BASELINE ULTRASOUND. The visit can be done any time before 2pm and must be done before the 5th day of your cycle. It does not matter if you are still bleeding as long as it is not after the 5th day.

• Day 1 of your cycle is the first day of full flow bleeding. If you are only spotting this is likely NOT day 1. Wait for a full flow bleed.

• Please be sure you do not have extensive vacation plans during the month you are planning to take fertility meds as this may interfere with your treatment. This includes weekend trips.

• We cannot give you a list of appointment dates or times as these are determined on an individual basis according to how you are responding.

Specific Ovulation Induction Instructions

*Each time you have blood/ultrasound tests, you need to call for your results the SAME day for instructions.

1) Take Clomid (brand only) Mon. 5/2 through Fri. 5/6

2) Take Tamofen (generic acceptable) Mon. 5/2 through Fri. 5/6

3) Blood draw on Sun. 5/8 at 7:30 am

4) Call for results in the afternoon for instructions:

     Follistim instructions? If NO go to #5

5) Return for blood work at ______________

     Return for ultrasound at ___________

Lessons Learned While Trying to Have a Baby: Tender Mercies

{God often grants us the most tender of mercies in the midst of our darkest trials; the difficulty is to notice the light in the darkness.}

“The Lord is good to all: and his tender mercies are over all his works (Psalms 145:9).”

A few months before David and I began fertility treatments, I was called to be the relief society president of our ward. It was a daunting calling and, with everything else going on in our lives, I felt inadequate to say the least.

On the Sunday I was set apart by the bishopric, I was feeling extremely vulnerable and unsure of myself. Not only was I young but I felt inexperienced. How could I lead a group of women, most of whom were mothers, when I had no children of my own?

As the bishop placed his hands on my head and set me apart as the relief society president he also gave me a blessing. In the blessing I was told that this calling would assist me in my role as a wife and a mother. Afterwards, my counselors joked that the bishop had made a mistake and I laughed with them but inside I felt hope.

The bishop had no idea of our situation, but the Lord did. My Heavenly Father, through the mouth of my bishop, had strengthened my faith that the Lord was in control and that he had a plan for me. Many may have only seen this as a slip-up or a misspoken word but I know this was a tender mercy bestowed upon me by the Lord.

Lessons Learned While Trying to Have a Baby: Tests, Tests, and More Tests

{The best things in life usually take the most work}

“…let them from that time forth labor diligently until it shall be finished…(D&C 115:12).”

I would love to say that after receiving our amazing medical benefits we immediately went to an infertility clinic and got checked out but we didn’t. We put it off or were busy with things or just didn’t do it. As much as we wanted a baby, the fertility treatment process loomed in front of us as a big “unknown.” We knew what it was like to be unable to get pregnant on our own. Getting medical help was unfamiliar and we didn’t know exactly what to expect. Additionally, going to the doctor made our situation a reality. We would be admitting we had failed and couldn’t do it on our own. Finally, my biggest fear was that the doctor wouldn’t find anything wrong. If there wasn’t anything wrong, could they still fix us?

It wasn’t until February of 2011 that we finally began taking the necessary steps towards starting our infertility treatments. David got checked first since male testing is a one-and-done type of thing. When nothing in his tests provided a reason as to why we couldn’t conceive, we called to set up an infertility consult with fertility specialist Dr. Howard Mezer at Physicians for Women of Greensboro. Just getting an appointment set up was an ordeal due to the amount of time and monetary costs expected of David and I from the outset. Because the initial infertility consult is two hours, we had to make a deposit of $50 just to schedule the appointment. Additionally, the clinic checked into our insurance benefits beforehand to make sure we could even afford to begin the treatments that might be prescribed by the doctor.

Our first consult was in March of 2011. We met with Dr. Mezer and his PA, Christie Gibson. They started the meeting by simply getting to know us and our particular experience with infertility. It was difficult to open up about such a sensitive subject with someone you’ve just met but I felt such a spirit of peace that we had made the right choice when Dr. Mezer stopped us for a moment and solemnly stated, “I work with couples like you every day. This is my job. It would be very easy for me to lose sight of the fact that this is your life.” I remember he stared at us sadly before continuing, “This must be very hard for you, isn’t it?” How grateful I was and still am to have had a doctor who recognized that his “job” was our hope of having a family.

As we finished our discussion, I was surprised to learn from Dr. Mezer that, because a woman’s body is inherently made to create children (another testimony to me of our Heavenly Father’s plan), if a woman is unable to conceive after a year of trying they are technically considered infertile. After hearing this, I thought of how we had tried for two years on our own. Now was the time to move past that and to move forward with fertility testing.

It was overwhelming to say the least. Multiple blood tests to screen for various diseases and gene traits, physical exams to check my uterus, fallopian tubes, and ovaries, and numerous internal ultrasounds, all with specific timeframes, became a constant part of our life. Within the first month of our fertility treatments we had met with our doctor six times.

The most intrusive test was the hysterosalpingogram, also called a HSG or dye study. For this test, a dye is shot into your cervix, fallopian tubes, and ovaries. An x-ray follows the dye as it travels through your system to insure you don’t have a blockage in any of these areas. While it wasn’t painful at all, this was definitely the most uncomfortable test I took during my fertility treatments, especially since David was not allowed to be in the room with me while it was being done.

As more and more tests came back normal with no immediate indication as to why we weren’t able to get pregnant, I began to lose hope. Again, if nothing was wrong, could they still fix us? However, when a call finally did come in and I learned that my body does not ovulate very well, I was scared. As much as I had wanted the doctors to find something wrong, when I actually learned there was a problem it was disheartening. Thankfully my issue was small and would not keep me from getting pregnant. It was simply an indication that I may have a harder time conceiving than most women.

*For purely informational purposes for those who may be involved in fertility treatments or considering them, I’ve included below the dates of our first appointments as well as a copy of the initial instructions we received at our first consult. Looking at these it’s easy to see how quickly infertility treatments can consume your life.

Dates of original appointments: 3/14, 3/24, 3/31, 4/7, 4/14, 4/18

Lessons Learned While Trying to Have a Baby: Miracles and Insurance

{Miracles happen}

“…know thou, my [daughter], that all these things … shall be for thy good (D&C 122:7).”

In the midst of struggling to have a child there were other events taking place in our lives. At the time these unrelated experiences seemed far removed from our battle with infertility. It wasn’t until we could look back and see the whole picture that we were able to realize all the Lord had done for us.

I graduated in May of 2009. The economy had just hit rock bottom and the recession was in full swing. I was hard-pressed to find a job and was unemployed for several months. After multiple failed job applications and interviews I received a call from my visiting teaching partner. Through her work she knew of a woman who managed a contract employment service. She gave me this woman’s information and told me to call her, saying she had told the woman about me and my need for a job.

I hesitated, desiring a full-time position rather than a temporary job but our desperate situation forced me to make the call. I was given an interview at the contract employment firm and a subsequent interview was set up with a company that was currently hiring contract workers. I interviewed at this company and received a temporary position with them. It wasn’t until weeks later that I realized the company I now worked for was United Guaranty, the mortgage insurance subsidiary of AIG. David and I laughed because I had been unable to find a job due to the recession but the only reason I finally did find a job was because of the recession and AIG’s need for additional workers to handle all the incoming home foreclosures.

After working at United Guaranty as a temp worker for about nine months I was offered a full-time position with benefits. I was astonished. I knew that the department I worked in, which was almost completely staffed by temp workers, had not hired anyone to a full-time position for four years. I felt extremely lucky to have been in the right place at the right time. However, looking back I know that the Lord had worked this all out long ago for my benefit. My receiving this job had nothing to do with the job itself. It was a temporal means to a spiritual end and now reaffirms to me the scripture, “Wherefore, verily I say unto you that all things unto me are spiritual… (D&C 29:34).”

The Lord’s plan—His miracles—didn’t end there.

After being hired on in May of 2010, I attended a meeting going over my benefits as a new full-time employee of AIG. Of course, working for one of the largest insurance companies in the world has some perks…I just didn’t know they would be my miracle. As I flipped through the packet of benefits I realized I had just been given complete infertility insurance that would cover any procedure up to any amount. It covered doctor’s visits, prescriptions, infertility testing, even in vitro fertilization. In addition, my company also offered adoption insurance. If fertility treatments didn’t work David and I would have the option of adopting and the cost would be completely covered.

I may never understand how truly blessed we are, but I do know that there are so many couples who have not received this particular blessing that the Lord bestowed upon David and I. I know there are those who cannot afford treatments or adoption who must come to the realization that they may never have the possibility of having a child. I know there are those who scrimp and save for years to be able to afford something we were freely given. It is because of those who do not have this blessing that I am able to comprehend our blessings more fully and cannot help but feel so grateful and extremely unworthy for the Lord’s goodness.

Without these benefits we never would have been able to afford infertility treatments. For those who don’t know how expensive these treatments are, let me give you a breakdown of the monetary cost.

NOTE: I wasn’t able to find a good website that outlined all various costs of infertility treatments so the numbers below are what our particular treatments cost. Of course, cost will vary by couple and treatment. Because we only did two cycles of clomid before moving directly to IVF I feel our costs are lower than the majority of other couples who do multiple clomid cycles and IUI before moving to IVF.

$20,569.73 Consults, doctor’s appointments, blood tests, other tests, two clomid cycles


$600 Prescriptions for two clomid cycles and any other prescriptions outside of IVF


$14,200 IVF


$3,000 IVF Medications


$800 Anesthesiologist and anesthetic for IVF surgery


Total:


$39,169.73

Because of the insurance the Lord had provided for us, of the nearly $40,000 our infertility treatments cost David and I spent out-of-pocket only around $2000.

If you ask me if I believe in miracles I would give you a resounding “YES!” The Lord created a worldwide economic recession so that I could have a baby!